By a BBC Scotlandshire reporter

Article originally scooped by BBC Scotlandshire – the home of Scottish political satire.

 PRESSURE is mounting on Blair Jenkins to resign his post as Chief Executive of the subversive group Yes Scotlandshire, following a second leaked email that reveals Mr Jenkins ordered a ‘Pret a Manger’ sandwich for his lunch on Friday, for which he paid an outrageous £5.60.

A highly placed coalition source has already stated that this shows that Yes Scotlandshire is collaborating with foreign governments, and that the orders are coming from the highest level.

According to the Chancellor, the choice of a French sandwich shows that the Scottish government is planning what he described as a ‘cheese-munching surrender monkey’ defence policy for a separate Scotlandshire. [WTF, we don’t name our unnamed sources, you Arse! – Ed]

As the ‘HunnerGate’ revelations continue to surface, Yes Scotlandshire has still failed to apologise to the Herald, the spoof BBC and the population of Scotland for not insisting robustly enough that an article they had paid for must be published under the headline, “This rubbish was paid for by the Separatist Yes Scotlandshire campaign and is full of their lies– Don’t read it, just burn it – Now!

We later managed to track down U-KOK chairman Blair McDougall, who was sitting by his phone, in his office, waiting, and persuaded him to talk to us – following the agreement of a suitable fee in compensation for his time.

Referring to the revelations that the Yes Scotlandshire campaign had been caught out paying someone to do some work for them, Mr McDougall said, “This is the Watergate moment for the Yes brigade.  As Angus MacLeod said on Good Morning Scotlandshire at the weekend, ‘it isn’t what they did that’s important, it’s who did it that matters.’

“U-KOK pay people in all sorts of ways to write stuff for us, but everyone expects us to behave like this.  I myself penned an excellent and well-received piece for the Grauniad last week, slagging off Dictator Eck (©2013 Anur Sarwar MP [hereditary]) and the SNP, which made no mention of who I am or represent.  And I was well paid for my opinions, I can tell you.  But there was nothing wrong with that – that’s what we do. Get it?

 “But when the separatists pay someone to write something, that’s a shocking abuse of the democratic system and a betrayal of the voter’s trust. 

“Partly because the voters trust them far more than they trust us.  But that’s OK because we’re the establishment, and they’re a bunch of smelly wee traitors. It’s really very simple.

“And when skinny Blair tries to distract us by harping on about illegal hacking and purloined emails, he’s just plain wrong.  How can it be against the law for GCHQ to send us a few tasty messages they’ve been looking through, when we’re the bloody government of the land?  We’re the ones who decide what’s legal and what’s illegal, for ***** sake. Try to keep up, will you?

“Now, the Nationalists are always harping on about how I am running a wholly negative campaign and calling us anti-Scottish and shit like that.  Well, we are the NO side of the argument, but it is not U-KOK which is the negative campaigner, it’s the Natz.  Let me explain.

“By continually pointing out how things could be much better if Scotlandshire made her own political and economic decisions, Yes Scotlandshire is being implicitly negative about the UK – and the way the economy is right now – deeply, monstrously negative.

“By telling everyone just how unremittingly dreadful life in a separate Scotlandshire would be, we are actually being very positive about the UK.  And, since the UK is much bigger and more important than little Scotlandshire, we are – at least in population terms – the more positive campaign by far.

“We are also accused of scaremongering whenever we ask for details of the separatist’s plans to smash up this great kingdom.  But that is entirely unfair.  The Union has been with us for over 300 years, suckling us and keeping us safe from foreigners.  And we in the No camp can describe what happened in each and every one of those 300 years.

 “Surely it is only right that those wishing to dash our wonderful Union’s brains out on the pavement should explain every detail of how the next 300 years will pan out.  After all, it is the Yes campaign who claim to be the forward-looking side.  So, let’s see them look forward as far as we can look back.

“Until we can know, with certainty mind you, how much a stamp will cost in 2314; until we are told exactly when man will colonise the planet Mars; until we are reliably informed of the precise date the next non-Tory Westminster government will be elected (and how anyone will notice the difference), we have a loyal duty to vote NO to separation, for that is the law.

“Did I mention that Salmond is the fat, lying dictator in a pretendy wee parliament of a bankrupt backwater of a country? See – positive campaigning in action!”

Since balance seems to be a big thing in the spoof BBC this week, we asked go-to separatist blogger Kate Higgins for her views on the HunnerGate revelations.  Despite being in an apparent state of confusion she did not disappoint, shouting:

“I am shocked.  It’s a calamity. The referendum is lost.

“Everyone should vote No because Blair Jenkins has lost all the trust MY family built up single-handedly over a hundred years of knocking on doors.

“This would never have happened if they had made ME the leader of the Yes campaign, or maybe even made ME the First Minister. But they didn’t listen to ME, did they?

“No Siree! But I’ll show them all. It should have been ME. ME. MEEEEE!”

 Jolo Ferengi, chief purveyor of scares for Labour in Scotlandshire, was unavailable for comment.

Courtesy of respected news organisation BBC Scotlandshire

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