Tuesday, 22 March 2011 00:00
by Paul Kavanagh
Dear Westminster,
There was a time when you wooed me. Once you promised me the delights of India and the magic of Hong Kong, but these days all you do is sit on the sofa with your American pal playing war games. You’ve squandered all our money on expensive toys and presents for your mates in the City. Now you tell me you’re cutting the housekeeping money but you’re still buying two aircraft carriers, only there are no planes to put on them. You even had the cheek to tell me you were doing me a favour by letting me assemble the airfix kits. And don’t start me on those bloody submarines.
You treat me like you’re ashamed of me. You never let me leave the house alone. Are you afraid that I’ll say something to embarrass you if I was to meet up with some other countries without you being there? I was really upset when you didn’t let me go to Copenhagen to that workshop on climate change, especially because you know how much work I did installing wind turbines in the back garden and got all those books about tidal energy out the library. It was hurtful and unthinking. Does the term ‘control freak’ mean anything to you?
I always knew you were never faithful. I never mentioned your thing with Wales, you know, the other woman, your kidnap victim from a previous relationship. I was even your biggest supporter when you wanted to start that menage-a-trois with Ireland. You know as well as I do how much that particular little escapade ended up costing in therapy sessions and broken crockery. I can’t believe how naive I was. It’s all water under the bridge now, but I’ll never have a proper relationship with my own family until you stop claiming the right to speak for me.
I bumped into Norway the other day, she’s looking good and doing so well for herself. I remember her when she worked in the fish factory and didn’t have two kroner to rub together, then she divorced Denmark and rushed into that rebound affair with Sweden which ended in tears. Well that’s all changed. She was just popping off to some important do at the UN and was looking very stylish. And there was me in an auld coat and head-scarf like the depressive suicide risk in an Ingmar Bergman movie because you say I can’t afford nice things.
I see the banks are Scottish again. That’s nice. For years you’ve insisted on controlling all the pursestrings, and now the pursestrings are flapping around your ankles like snapped knicker elastic all of a sudden the empty banks are Scottish and a reason I could never look after myself. You’re like a wean that breaks a toy then gives it back saying it was broken when you got it. Funny how you managed to play with the banks for years without noticing how broken they were.
You say the oil money is spent and gone, and you always said that it was never a significant sum anyway. Well now I’ve discovered the truth that you’ve been trying to keep from me for the past 30 years. For all that time you’ve known that I could be very wealthy, but you kept schtum so you could spend the money on things for yourself.
I don’t know what’s more hurtful, the fact that you kept secrets from me and stole from me, or that you didn’t trust me enough to be honest with me in the first place. Just what other dirty little secrets are you keeping? You know what Oprah Winfrey said, when trust breaks down there can be no marriage. You’ve ripped up my trust, thrown it away, and trampled it in the gutter. You’ve only got yourself to blame for that.
Then there was thon weirdo Thatcherism cult you got seduced into joining. You gave away all the family silver and kept chanting that mantra about obeying the market. What a nightmare that was. You went all wild-eyed and starey and really scared me. Remember Jack Nicholson in the Shining? I was Shelley Duvall cowering in terror while you took an axe to everything. I’m still not entirely convinced you’ve got over that little episode, and there is no power on Earth that would force me to endure another bout of it. You’ve not done a great deal to boost my confidence on that score.
I’m under the doctor now. You don’t care, you just mutter about Celts and alcoholism and tell me it’s all my own fault because I’m feeble and useless. But the truth is I have cancer, the media and political parties that you support have turned against my body, poisoning my system. They make me weak and cause me to doubt myself and lose my self-confidence. They eat away at me from within. The doctors have diagnosed it as Unionosis, it’s caused by a loveless and one-sided marriage.
What makes it worse is that it’s you who is feeding the disease. I’m not saying you’re doing it deliberately – that would imply you have a degree of self-awareness I don’t think you’re capable of – but I can’t rid myself of the dark suspicion and you don’t help by refusing to accept that there’s a problem. It keeps me awake at nights and I’ve been drinking more than is good for a person.
All you do is to accuse me of having a chip on my shoulder. Well that’s true, and guess what honey – you put it there. You aren’t just a chip on my shoulder, you’re a whole fish supper with extra sour vinegar all wrapped up in a copy of the Hootsmon. And frankly the fish smells pretty rank. Chip. I’ll gie ye bloody chip.
Anyway, the only cure for Unionosis is to root out the problem at source, and that means leaving you.
We don’t have any reason to stay together. The children are all grown up. Australia and Canada are doing so well for themselves. I used to worry about Canada living in that bad neighbourhood, but he managed to avoid getting led astray by that neighbour of his. Such a sensible and level-headed child. He gets that from me you know. Even little New Zealand has done us proud, and you know how I used to fret about him being so far away with nothing but sheep for company. It’s worked out well for him, and I’ve learned not to judge who the children choose to spend their lives with.
I know you’re angry. No one likes to be told they’re a failure, and it’s hard for you to hear you’ve been a failure as a parliament and a partner. But you react either by screaming abuse at me or by telling me I’m worthless and would fall apart without you. I don’t believe you any more. You’re acting every bit the spurned lover. You’re acting exactly like you’re always accusing France of behaving, and I only broke off my engagement with him because you convinced me he was possessive and jealous.
We’ll always be close, we still share so much and I want us to be friends. But until you can learn to have adult relationships with the other nations in these islands, and treat us like equals and not as your harem, there’s no hope for us and there’s no hope for the people of England. People in England deserve a proper parliament and not the pretendy wee excuse for patronage, privilege and dressing up in fancy costumes that you’ve become. It’s time you got your fat lazy arse up from resting on your Mother of Parliament laurels and went and took a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. You’re very good at looking after your own interests, In time you’ll realise that this is in your best interests too.
Meanwhile I’m taking a leaf out of your book and putting my own interests first. So I want a divorce. There, I’ve said it. There’s not much love anymore, I think you know that as well as I do, and it’s time we learned to live our own lives before what’s left of our feelings for one another turn into hate. Being in this marriage has made both of us lose sight of who we are, and we need to find ourselves again. I’ll still stand beside you to defend what we have in common, but I won’t be under your thumb.
xx
Scotland
Comments
2011-03-22 07:43
The ‘kiss-kiss’ Scotland bit at the end is especially touching.
‘Unionosis‘ – haha, you have just created a rather excellent new word.
2011-03-22 07:51
2011-03-22 08:36
2011-03-22 08:43
The SNP are again planning to call themselves “Alex Salmond for First Minister” on ballot papers despite the move causing chaos at the last Holyrood election.
Watchdogs said using “Alex Salmond for First Minister” blurred the distinction between the two ballots. The independent review said it shouldn’t be repeated.
At the time, Salmond said the polling fiasco was “unacceptable in a democratic society” and “must never be allowed to happen again”.
But the Electoral Commission say the SNP will be allowed to use the slogan as long as they put their party name in front of it.
The Greens believe they lost out as a result of the SNP’s tactics four years ago. Leader Patrick Harvie said: “The SNP are ready to risk the integrity of the vote again and put their self-interest ahead of the democratic will of the Scottish people.
“They must now give a clear pledge to do the right thing, or we risk seeing another screwed-up election.”
The parties have until 4pm on Tuesday to say how they wish to appear on the ballot.
http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/2011/03/22/nats-risk-repeat-of-election-slogan-shambles-86908-23007202/
2011-03-22 08:52
Alba gu Bràth!
2011-03-22 09:06
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.
Go to the top of the class.
2011-03-22 09:07
I have undoubtedly said this before but I’ll say it again – if you can’t have a bit of fun with your politics, why bother.
So more of the same from Paul, or anybody else with wit and a way with words, would be greatly appreciated – at least by me.
2011-03-22 09:43
Oh dear. Someone’s gone and upset the Greenies.
The Greenies are always upset these days, I think they realise they risk not having any representatives in Holyrood after May but its only to be expected as the SNP have a much better grip of Scotlands green aspirations compared with Labour and their plans for more nuke plants. I think in the Scottish election before last I gave them my second vote but I wont bother this time, they dont bring anything new to the table anymore.
As for the farcical elections in 2007 that was caused by having 2 seperate votes on the same day, it WAS fixed by moving the local elections to next year but theres these 2 dafties in London who claim to RESPECT Scotland but have decided to repeat the same mistake and hold another vote on the same day because they have this misguided notion that they are somehow more important and generally superior because they are in London, well stuff the pair of them I’m writing INDEPENDENCE on my AV ballot.
2011-03-22 09:54
2011-03-22 10:03
Apt too, since the reaction of so many English people to the idea of Scottish independence is precisely that of a hurt, jilted lover.
2011-03-22 10:08
Telling it like it really and truly is!
We’ve had ENOUGH!
Sling your hook England.
NOW.
2011-03-22 10:12
Excellent piece, Paul.
2011-03-22 10:23
Off Topic but how about this.
Row erupts over bypass as Labour ‘lets cat out of bag’
A row erupted last night after Labour transport spokesman Charlie Gordon admitted that the Aberdeen bypass may not be the top funding priority for his party if it forms the next Scottish Government.
Read more: http://www.pressandjournal.co.uk/SectionPage.aspx/PJHome/PJNews?UserKey=#ixzz1HK3UCjnM
2011-03-22 10:35
My dear Westminster, just so as you know. I am being up front with my new acquaintances. So do NOT going into one of your well known “she is just a lowly harlot” carry on’s. I do NOT get into bed with any body, despite what you have done to me over the years I still have morals. Do YOU know what they are?
Here’s the proof my dear beloved!
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-12817143
2011-03-22 10:56
2011-03-22 10:59
I’ll love to.
2011-03-22 11:37
2011-03-22 11:40
Translated this for our Norwegian guests who have just forwarded this to a wider audience in Norway. It definitely struck a chord with them. Still laughing.
What a talent you have. Wonderful.
2011-03-22 11:41
By the way are there any clauses in the 1707 Act of Union which our marriage partner has not violated?
2011-03-22 11:44
Congratulations on a masterly piece which has already been sent to three continents. It’s great to feel a smile breaking out on a Tuesday morning. There’s nothing more devastating than humour in a political context?
More! More! More!
2011-03-22 15:07
Absolutely Brilliant!
Wha’s no puliticully motivatit noo!?
🙂
Well I have my moments.
2011-03-22 11:57
Oh dear. Someone’s gone and upset the Greenies.
I’m sure the SNP would not object to Labour using “Iain Grey for First Minister”.
In fact could we not insist on it?
2011-03-22 12:05
p.s very good piece Paul especially as I thought you’d be a bit punch drunk this morning from all the slaps you’ve been getting from people who’re afraid you might embarrass us with your knowledge of Scots and relaxed attitude to using it :O)
2011-03-22 12:53
I’m sure the SNP would not object to Labour using “Iain Grey for First Minister”.
In fact could we not insist on it?
Good idea, but if the Record is right about the lists closing today then they’re probably too late.
The Electoral Commission website currently lists the Labour Party’s registered descriptions as:
The Labour Party Candidate
Labour Party Candidate
Scottish Labour Party Candidate
Labour Party Candidate
Scottish Labour Party
Labour Representation Committee
The Labour and Co-operative Party Candidate (Joint Description with Co-operative Party [The])
Welsh Labour
Welsh Labour Candidate
Welsh Labour Party Candidate
2011-03-22 12:57
Has been sent to Australia and the USA. I’ve printed off a few copies, this is gonna do the rounds.
absolutely brilliant Paul !
2011-03-22 12:57
i wonder if any of our Scottish newspapers would print the article?
2011-03-22 13:09
Rhona Brankin MSP
Bill Butler MSP
Helen Eadie MSP
George Foulkes MSP
Cathy Jamieson MSP
James Kelly MSP
Johann Lamont MSP
Marilyn Livingstone MSP
Frank McAveety MSP
I wonder what was said on their ballot papers. I haven’t bothered to check them all, but know Foulkes is a regional member and only describes himself on the Holyrood website as the first Labour member for the Lothians region. Were Lothians voters conned with only a Scottish Labour Party choice on the Lothians ballot in 2007?
2011-03-22 13:19
Got your letter this morning,unfortu nately,what with my war my further plans for the rape and pillage of your land (Scotland Bill)I really do not have the time nor inclination to spend on your continued feeling of being a victim
If I may make a suggestion, why not get back to me say after May 5th I may be able to spend some time with you then
Your benefactor
Westminster (no xxx’s I’m a wee bit peeved with you)
2011-03-22 13:46
This deserves to be published.
Well done Mr Kavanagh.
2011-03-22 13:51
“in recent private interviews with both this newspaper and, I’m told, senior BBC editors, Mr Gray came over very well.”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/comment/columnists/alancochrane/8396875/Making-the-fight-about-personality-not-policies-may-just-backfire-on-Alex-Salmond.html
2011-03-22 14:09
An observation I have made – and I very much doubt that I am alone – is the comic ease and creative competence of those who support the SNP/Independence perspective to use wit and humour compared with the more turgid and morose style of their opposition cohort.
I sincerely hope that our pre-nuptial status embedded still within the Declaration of Arbroath and the Claim of Rights 1689 will sustain our foundation proceedings towards a just and timely ‘divorce’.
2011-03-22 14:14
2011-03-22 14:16
nchanter 2011-03-22 10:56 … excellent I can picture Wendy reading this as the guest speaker at a St Andrews day celebration
At the risk of boring readers with something I’ve posted here previously here is a first hand report of a comment about one of Wendy’s previous celebration day after dinner speeches. With her anything’s possible!
David R. Ross in his book “Desire Lines” records how leading Unionist politicians have done Scotland a disservice over generations and page 318 he writes “Oh Scotland! You have done yourself over the centuries. What other country has given away the freedom its ancestors fought for so dearly, for such a cheap price… In 2001 I travelled to Chicago to take part in some Tartan Day events. By chance I ended up at a dinner where a Scots Labour politician was speaking. I am not a political animal. I do not have an axe to grind, except where my country is being maligned. The speaker, one Wendy Alexander, then stood and told her audience, mostly the business community of Chicago, how the Declaration of Arbroath was the first real document of ‘Unionism’ without quoting from the document itself. I should perhaps explain that Tartan Day in North America is celebrated on the anniversary of the Declaration, 6th April 1320 being the date of issue. The American Declaration of Independence owes a huge debt to the Scottish one , something like half the signatories of the American document being of Scots descent.
“I sat listening to this growing more incredulous with every second. I could stand this no more and stood to tell M/s Alexander that I would recite the original to her, and to the whole room, so that they could make up their own minds. When I quoted the passage ‘as long as one hundred of us remain alive …’ and finished, there was a mixture of applause and laughter.
“This woman denied her birth, denied her people, and put another country before her own. Auntie Tom no less. The recalling of it still shocks me”
2011-03-22 14:20
I am getting my extended family in england to read this and get back to me with what they think.FIRST CLASS.
2011-03-22 14:35
Off topic – Can I just point people to this interview on the bbc website about booze in Scotland.
Snippet – The head of the prosecution service has warned of an “apocalypse” of alcohol-fuelled crime unless Scotland curbs its hard-drinking culture.
Lord Advocate Elish Angiolini told BBC Scotland that reducing the availability of cheap alcohol would help tackle the problem.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-12815538
2011-03-22 14:40
2011-03-22 14:50
Please feel free to redistribute, give a copy or forward this article to anyone you like. Just make sure Newsnet gets the credit!
Paul Kavanagh
2011-03-22 15:09
Many thanks for all the wonderfully positive replies. It’s heartening after the battering I’ve received for my news stories in Scots.
Please feel free to redistribute, give a copy or forward this article to anyone you like. Just make sure Newsnet gets the credit!
Paul Kavanagh
There are now several members of my extended family in england checking out NEWSNET SCOTLAND.
2011-03-22 15:33
To my ear Scots has so many words that are so aptly descriptive – breenge, glaikit, guddle,wabbit.
Most of us intermingle Scots and English without being aware.
2011-03-22 16:08
I think some readers don’t appreciate just how much of a shoe-string Newsnet operates on. We all want more English language content – as well as more Scots and Gaelic language content. But people need to come forward and get involved like I did. Newsnet isn’t my personal platform. It’s for all Scottish people and those who are interested in Scotland.
I’ve got nae worries about the slings and arrows of critics. I have a very thick skin. And a brass neck. Ther’ll be a news story in Scots the morra.
But regarding criticisms. I’m gay. I was born in the East End of Glasgow and went to a Catholic comprehensive school in a working class district of North Lanarkshire when people like me weren’t supposed to exist in Scotland. Leastways not live ones. Much less in a good Catholic family. It was the 1960s and early 70s. Sectarianism and homophobia were rife.
Self-survival meant learning how to cope with attacks and ridicule. I’m not telling you this cos I want a pity party. I got over it. And Scotland is getting over its former sectarianism and homophobia too – as a society we’ve made enormous progress in both those departments. We can get over our language hang ups as well.
The criticisms of my Scots language stuff is watter aff a duck’s back. Partly I started doing those pieces as a way of getting these attitudes to Scottish language out into the open where we can discuss them.
There’s actually considerably more support for the Scots language stuff than I had anticipated. The critics are going to have to do far worse in order to dissuade me.
Just ask ma mammy. “He kin be right thrawn oor Paul.”
2011-03-22 16:16
2011-03-22 16:21
I heard a lecture from wee Wendy at Aberdeen University and as she spoke from written sheets she rubbished the Scottish economy and told the audience Scotland was incapable of becoming a tartan tiger as opposed to the celtic tiger of Ireland. Mike Russell replied and within barely a minute had shredded her lecture to pieces to much applause. How can one be such a traitor.
However I would love Wendy to read the article above to see her face. It is of so high a quality and importance this well written piece must be given to a wider audience.
2011-03-22 16:53
Whenever I’ve talked to English people, they don’t understand the emotion of this subject. They don’t realise how Scots feel, or why they feel it.
This letter should be sent to every newspaper up and down the land, including England. It might help them understand.
2011-03-22 17:33
2011-03-22 17:35
Can we all sign this and send it to call me dave?
Sent it to Ian Gray, Annabelle Goldie and the other one too.
2011-03-22 17:41
Not content with stealing all the SNP’s policies they’ve now decided to start calling for an end to the cringe!
2011-03-22 17:57
2011-03-22 18:33
2011-03-22 18:42
Can I suggest we all send it all our email contacts and start a chain mail.
2011-03-22 19:15
Brilliant article, was having a bad day but some how I just cant stop laughing. Cheers
2011-03-22 19:18
Many thanks for all the wonderfully positive replies. It’s heartening after the battering I’ve received for my news stories in Scots.
Paul, dont take to heart the batterings some gave you about your articles in Scots. Many, many of us enjoyed them and hope to continue to do so. Looking forward already to the next one.
Another excellent piece. Well done.
2011-03-22 20:00
Having just watched FMQs i would place ian gray’s rant today as one of his worst ever.
We even had a shot of wee jack at the back of the chamber while gray was ranting,the look on his face said it all.
I have probaly said this before but i fear for the future of this country if ian gray and labour get to form a govt in may.
To quote from an article that i read earlier today,We must not let labour steal the future of our grandchildren.
These words say it all.
2011-03-22 20:40
I have a hobby interest in physics, sub-atomic and astro. As for example what is matter? what holds it together? why is humanity creative? Why do we have to reproduce? Why two sexes?
Religion? Pick out what bits suits you is my advice. Budhism is a nice gentle set of guidelines for example.
You are a child of the universe and have a right to be here. Go placidly
2011-03-22 21:17
I just want Scotland to become a normal country. And we’ve already progressed so far in my lifetime. There’s nothing stopping us from taking the final step except fear of ridicule.
2011-03-22 20:54
They’re not that’s incorrect there are no Scottish banks anymore thanks to Labour.
2011-03-22 21:21
2011-03-22 21:02
But as an English woman, having live in Scotland for thirty years, I am having some flash backs to that time, when I first moved here. It was quite clear that to some Scottish people, the English were not welcome.
If Scotland achieves independence, where do the English living here stand?
2011-03-22 21:16
2011-03-22 21:21
I would hope that English people, or anyone else, who come to live in Scotland and who love Scotland will be loved by Scotland in return.
If Scotland does become independent, as a resident of Scotland you would have an automatic right to citizenship. And that is exactly how it should be.
Independence is about removing barriers between Scotland and the world, not creating them.
2011-03-22 22:29
Similar cases, as the Basque Country (Euzkadi) and Catalunya are within Spain, define basques or catalans as the people born in, resident or working in, the respective Nationalities.
I put the question to several SNP MSPs and Ministers and the answers were unanimous, Scott is whom has been born, lives or works here and feel him/herself Scottish.
Identical situation happened in Chequia and Slovakia.
2011-03-22 21:31
(Also, if I offended you I sincerely apologise.)
2011-03-22 21:56
A Brilliant piece IA! Keep them coming!
(Also, if I offended you I sincerely apologise.)
Not at all. I’ve got a thick skin and brass neck remember. You have to physically assault me before I get offended.
2011-03-22 21:32
you would have the benefit of living in a country that put’s it’s people and the people that live here first and foremost, as was previously said ” its about removing barriers….. not creating them “
2011-03-22 21:46
I understand the point you are making but I have to say that in many cases that I have observed it is the attitude of the incomer that very often is the problem.
I know that, because of my very obvious membership of the SNP,I have been met with quite pronounced animosity and suspicion by a number of immigrants to this area over the years. They have assumed (a)that because I seek and independent Scotland I am anti-English and (b)that my commitment to an independent Scotland is somehow disloyal or treasonous, immoral and unacceptable and shouldn’t be allowed.
On the other hand many have had no such attitudes and our branches have always had a significant proportion of English members.
The dislike of British/English government of Scotland is not a dislike of individual English persons but I am aware that we have to be careful that such a scenario never develops.
2011-03-22 21:56
This is something that has been carefully cultivated. Labour has used it for years self determination means anti-english! Does the battered husband who complains to the police about a violent English wife deserve to be locked up for racism?
2011-03-22 21:57
Curly Bill ; well spoken.
English people living in Scotland. Welcome.Just accept it as Scotland,Don’t try to create a little England. It upsets the French and Spanish no less than it upsets us.
2011-03-22 22:57
2011-03-22 23:02
Ta se fir galanta, an Eduard Bruce!!
2011-03-22 23:26
Very good piece Paul, very amusing and well written.
But as an English woman, having live in Scotland for thirty years, I am having some flash backs to that time, when I first moved here. It was quite clear that to some Scottish people, the English were not welcome.
If Scotland achieves independence, where do the English living here stand?
Where some-one comes from is irrelevant. It’s where we’re all going together that matters.
Great letter, Paul.
2011-03-22 23:34
2011-03-22 23:38
You have put to words what I feel, and it seems many many more too.
2011-03-23 07:58
2011-03-23 14:56
2011-03-23 16:40
Not suggesting that each time an article gets a comment it goes back to the top, that would be too often, but maybe every 5th comment or something like that???
It is a shame when exceptional articles like this ‘disappear’ off the front page when they are clearly generating still, a huge amount of comment.
2011-03-23 17:19
The talent at Newsnet is amazing and puts the north british unionist journalists to shame. This article getting out to the masses is the unionists nightmare.
Thanks Paul.
2011-03-23 18:16
I have often expressed a feeling that we in Scotland are in an abusive relationship in the union but I could never have expressed it in the wonderful way that you have.
2011-03-24 12:58
Scotland abides with all who would peacefully abide with her.
2011-03-24 17:27
2011-03-24 17:56
2011-03-24 20:17
2011-03-25 02:18
Seriously excellent.
quote name=”exel”]An excellent and very amusing article, I can’t wait to read the divorce settlement.
Here’s the English take on the divorce settlement, prepare to be offended…
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-564669/What-Scotland-DID-independent-A-historian-looks-forward-20-years-imagines-future.html
2011-03-25 08:10
The article in the dail (hate) mail has none of the humour or panache that the article by Paul Kavanagh above has.
2011-03-25 08:17
I wonder why?
2011-03-25 08:21
Interesting ads though, no sae lang syne Mitsubishi gave us a grant for £100 million.
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